Last week my nephew had his tonsils taken out, needless to say he wasn't his normal hyper self for a few days. Once he started feeling better I asked him how he felt about having surgery and how he was dealing with the pain he was feeling. He quietly replied, "I want my tonsils back. I don't know why having all this hurt now will make me better later." I can't tell you how many times my nieces and nephew have been used to teach me a lesson. His soft words hit hard in my heart. In his world, the suffering he faced didn't seem worth how much better he would feel all together in the near future. All he knew at that point in time was pain, he didn't care if would help in the long run.
This whole moving process has been draining on me. I keep making pros and cons lists, stressing out about finding an apt, a job and how am I gonna get all my stuff to Arizona. These past few months I have driven myself crazy; nothing was working out in the time I planned and I was annoyed that one 'bad' thing after another was happening. The problem with all that was simply me, I'm a control freak. I like to know how, when, where and mostly why things happen. The second things seem to go astray, I get cranky and yell at God. The good thing is that He is big enough to handle me and all my moods.
As the days get closer for me to finally move west; now I can see that all the waiting and pain I faced these last few months was needed. I honestly think if I moved to Arizona in May, I might have moved back home already. However, it has been in this waiting period that I have come to let go of control. Now I can move trusting that what ever happens, He is by my side. I still don't know where I'm gonna live, if I'll find a job or even if I'll like it out there, but those are small details now. I have peace about this I can't really explain. Since this is where He is leading me, I need to stop trying to figure out every detail and just trust.
My last few days here will be bitter sweet. It's going to be very difficult to move so far away from my family. Six years ago, I had to make a very difficult decision to move away from my mother. I cried everyday about it for two years but it turned out to be one of the best decisions in my life. Had I not taken the risk and left behind what matter to me the most, I wouldn't be anything close to who I am now. Life is about taking chances, seeing things through another point of view and showing love. I have one final task I need to complete, this Tuesday, before I set out. I can't get into much detail right now but I ask for thoughts and prayers to be with my mother, brothers and I for these next few days. I'll keep you all updated as things happen.
much love,
ash
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