unexpected

Five months ago I imagined being in Arizona by now, getting settled in a new place , finding a part-time job and working on the last few classes I needed to graduate. Funny how things never work out as we plan. Never thought I’d be homeless, jobless, moneyless, phone-less and a list of car repairs that I can’t get fixed. Never thought I’d be babysitting and cutting grass just to pay for my storage unit, gas and cigs that I don’t need. I kick myself for not being more realistic about everything. I kick myself for being too nice and not saying NO when I needed to. But what is done is done, I can’t go back to March 26 . Somehow I must muster up the strength to push thru this unseen situation that I am in now.
Every day that passes I question my purpose in this life more. I wonder why I am in the situation I am now and why Arizona did not work out right now. I wonder why I question things like purpose, passion, goals, dreams, love, family and faith. Why can’t I just accept things as they are? Why do I always need to see or try to understand the bigger picture? Why can’t I just be content with people as they are and me how I am? I think about people I know and even strangers on the street; wondering what their story is, could they be happier, could they care more or do they just need love? I wonder if one family member will ever forgive the other for something that happened 17 years ago and how I could bring them back together. I dream of a world were everyone gets along; they cry, laugh, sing, dance, learn and play together. I hope for a mother who could really be a mother to me and not another victim of this fallen world. I envision my dad, step mom, brothers, mother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends all together playing baseball with no cares in the world. I wonder if one day the little girls on the red light streets of Calcutta can spend a night watching ‘the little mermaid’ while painting their toe nails instead of being forced to have sex so their family can eat. Then I realize this place on earth will never exist, that is what heaven is for.
Yet I wonder, maybe that’s why things are the way they are, maybe we are here to bring hope, show love and give mercy. Maybe Calcutta is too far for some, maybe Latrobe is closer, maybe my family are the little girls in Calcutta. Maybe someone needs to remind them of the simple basics of life and what really matters. Maybe that’s why I’m still here. Perhaps I am the one that will do something to get my mother the help she needs or I’ll be apart of the change that needs to happen to other family members. For so long I thought I that in order to ‘build the kingdom’ I had to go to some far off place, now I’m beginning to see that family comes first. I cant change anyone’s heart or thoughts but I can be used to help those things occur as God wills. Maybe instead of gripping about my situation and dreaming about how I wish things were different, I should open my eyes and see that the journey I so desperately wanted is right in front of me, here in Latrobe with my family. Instead of wallowing in my past and hoping for a better future, I should take the day and love on my hurting nephew, niece and sister. I need to appreciate making cool -aid and cleaning up pee by the toilet cause that’s my purpose right now. I might not be where I want to be, I might not be happy with all finical stresses I’m feeling but its not about me. Five months ago I prayed for change; I didn’t want to be caught in the mundane life of work, TV, ‘all about me‘, I wanted to be used for something different. This is my life, it is different, its up and down, its hard, its painful, its weary but it is also worth it. The new journey I craved has all ready begun; I have seen more now then I thought possible and I’m not even out of the state.