9.22.2009
life as i know it
As a kid I remember wanting this 'life like' toy dog for one of my birthdays. I ended up getting two of them. I was so excited cause all the commercials made them seem so real and since we couldn't have a real dog this toy seemed to be the next best thing. I probably played with each of them for about an hour then i realised how fake and dumb them were. I went up and down my street one afternoon trying to sale them so i could buy the newest Nerf soaker to get my brothers back, after all it look so amazing on TV. As an adult I watch all those toy commercials with my nieces and nephews, they can't help but get excited and I want to laugh at how foolish those products are to buy.
Yet when it comes looking at where to live, what car to buy and which college to attend we are like little children. We fantasize over how great this new place will be but we never take into account that the wiring is all bad. We love our new vehicles cause they are fast or big but we usually overlook how much its going to cost to fill up a tank. I could go on with many other examples but I'm sure you get the point.
The idea of moving to AZ came to me one evening many months ago. I thought it would be great to move closer to the school that i was taking on-line classes with, so that i could build relationships with my professors and use them as references once i graduate. That small thought blossomed into this wonderful idea that I could move out there, find an apartment, a part-time job, get involved with my school and a church. I would only be gone a year and i like to change things up when i get too comfortable, it seemed so perfect.
The week before I drove out here, I searched endlessly for apartments all around the Phoenix area that are close to my school. I made a list of different ones that were potential 'new homes'. So i felt at easy about finding a place to live. I briefly looked at jobs in the area and quickly realized that there are endless job openings in the city area. So i felt good about that. The only issues pressing on me was how i was getting out there and how i would get all my stuff that is in storage out there. I had planned on trading in my little Civic for something bigger or with more power to help me get thru the mountain areas. On my way to look at the vehicle i wanted, I got a flat tire on the turnpike. No big deal, I've had to change so many flats before i knew what to do but i was annoyed with the situation. By the time i put my small spare tire on and got to a shop to fix my flat it was too late to car shop. So I had to drive all the way back to Pittsburgh the next day for the dealer to tell me my car wasn't worth anything cause it has a Reconstructed title. By this point, I was extremely upset about the moving thing. Part of me felt like this whole thing was a dumb idea; I'm gonna miss my family, I don't like being in the City, I don't know if i can get a job or apartment and I don't have a lot of money to be moving like this right now. My heart was saying; this is just a speed bump, this is going to be hard but nothing good has come without a challenge or facing some pain.
So I listened to my heart, i took a chance cause that's what life is about.
The afternoon before i left i went to say my goodbyes to my one 'sisters' and her kids at my aunts house. I knew this would be the difficult part. I pulled the two older kids aside and explained to them that i was moving away for awhile but that i would be back for holidays. My youngest nephew, Dom, wanted to make me a potion before i left that would make any mean or bad people nice to me. So we walked around the yard looking for things to put in it. At one point Dom stopped looking and said, "Aunt Ashley, why are you leaving me? Cause you said you needed to finish school but there is a school right there you can finish at'(pointing to st. Vincent college). I couldn't answer him. Maybe because he was right.
Now that I'm here, I'm facing difficulties in getting an apartment for many reasons. Since i haven't been working in a year, i have no proof of income which is more money up front cause they think you can't afford it. i don't have my bank account anymore and that looks 'bad' to apartment ppl. Finally, my last apartment manager is saying i was a bad tenant that always paid my rent late, which i don't understand why she said that. Regardless, all those things make it impossible or much much more expensive to get an apartment. Everything I thought would be so great has popped like a bubble. I haven't seen one hiring sign, I'm having a hard time with apartments and mostly i cant stand how hot it is out here. I think i imagined something much greater then what it really is, kinda like when i was a kid. I had all these expectations but reality is reality.
Maybe AZ isn't for me right now but I might not have learned that had i not come out here. Maybe i was so worried about changing things up because i didn't end up like my mother. Maybe the change that needed to happen in my life wasn't about moving somewhere else, maybe it was about ME changing. Maybe i finally found a place i call home with a family that loves me. Maybe what I needed to learn in AZ didn't come from being here a year or at my college, perhaps i just needed to see what i have and how good it is.
I don't know what my next step is, other than I want to finish school and i need to finish! I can keep taking classes on-line till i finish, i can move back to PA to find a job or home. Yet i know my heart will get restless again so the question is how do i cure a restless heart? Should i stay in AZ and make it work even if i hate it right now? I think part of my array of emotions is from being stressed, then driving for 3 days and not sleeping or eating much. So my plan is to treat myself to a good bday dinner, then come back to my hotel room to get another good night of sleep and maybe watch something mindless on TV. I'm praying that I'll wake up with a clear sign as to what/where i need to do/be next.
Yet when it comes looking at where to live, what car to buy and which college to attend we are like little children. We fantasize over how great this new place will be but we never take into account that the wiring is all bad. We love our new vehicles cause they are fast or big but we usually overlook how much its going to cost to fill up a tank. I could go on with many other examples but I'm sure you get the point.
The idea of moving to AZ came to me one evening many months ago. I thought it would be great to move closer to the school that i was taking on-line classes with, so that i could build relationships with my professors and use them as references once i graduate. That small thought blossomed into this wonderful idea that I could move out there, find an apartment, a part-time job, get involved with my school and a church. I would only be gone a year and i like to change things up when i get too comfortable, it seemed so perfect.
The week before I drove out here, I searched endlessly for apartments all around the Phoenix area that are close to my school. I made a list of different ones that were potential 'new homes'. So i felt at easy about finding a place to live. I briefly looked at jobs in the area and quickly realized that there are endless job openings in the city area. So i felt good about that. The only issues pressing on me was how i was getting out there and how i would get all my stuff that is in storage out there. I had planned on trading in my little Civic for something bigger or with more power to help me get thru the mountain areas. On my way to look at the vehicle i wanted, I got a flat tire on the turnpike. No big deal, I've had to change so many flats before i knew what to do but i was annoyed with the situation. By the time i put my small spare tire on and got to a shop to fix my flat it was too late to car shop. So I had to drive all the way back to Pittsburgh the next day for the dealer to tell me my car wasn't worth anything cause it has a Reconstructed title. By this point, I was extremely upset about the moving thing. Part of me felt like this whole thing was a dumb idea; I'm gonna miss my family, I don't like being in the City, I don't know if i can get a job or apartment and I don't have a lot of money to be moving like this right now. My heart was saying; this is just a speed bump, this is going to be hard but nothing good has come without a challenge or facing some pain.
So I listened to my heart, i took a chance cause that's what life is about.
The afternoon before i left i went to say my goodbyes to my one 'sisters' and her kids at my aunts house. I knew this would be the difficult part. I pulled the two older kids aside and explained to them that i was moving away for awhile but that i would be back for holidays. My youngest nephew, Dom, wanted to make me a potion before i left that would make any mean or bad people nice to me. So we walked around the yard looking for things to put in it. At one point Dom stopped looking and said, "Aunt Ashley, why are you leaving me? Cause you said you needed to finish school but there is a school right there you can finish at'(pointing to st. Vincent college). I couldn't answer him. Maybe because he was right.
Now that I'm here, I'm facing difficulties in getting an apartment for many reasons. Since i haven't been working in a year, i have no proof of income which is more money up front cause they think you can't afford it. i don't have my bank account anymore and that looks 'bad' to apartment ppl. Finally, my last apartment manager is saying i was a bad tenant that always paid my rent late, which i don't understand why she said that. Regardless, all those things make it impossible or much much more expensive to get an apartment. Everything I thought would be so great has popped like a bubble. I haven't seen one hiring sign, I'm having a hard time with apartments and mostly i cant stand how hot it is out here. I think i imagined something much greater then what it really is, kinda like when i was a kid. I had all these expectations but reality is reality.
Maybe AZ isn't for me right now but I might not have learned that had i not come out here. Maybe i was so worried about changing things up because i didn't end up like my mother. Maybe the change that needed to happen in my life wasn't about moving somewhere else, maybe it was about ME changing. Maybe i finally found a place i call home with a family that loves me. Maybe what I needed to learn in AZ didn't come from being here a year or at my college, perhaps i just needed to see what i have and how good it is.
I don't know what my next step is, other than I want to finish school and i need to finish! I can keep taking classes on-line till i finish, i can move back to PA to find a job or home. Yet i know my heart will get restless again so the question is how do i cure a restless heart? Should i stay in AZ and make it work even if i hate it right now? I think part of my array of emotions is from being stressed, then driving for 3 days and not sleeping or eating much. So my plan is to treat myself to a good bday dinner, then come back to my hotel room to get another good night of sleep and maybe watch something mindless on TV. I'm praying that I'll wake up with a clear sign as to what/where i need to do/be next.
9.13.2009
no turning back
Last week my nephew had his tonsils taken out, needless to say he wasn't his normal hyper self for a few days. Once he started feeling better I asked him how he felt about having surgery and how he was dealing with the pain he was feeling. He quietly replied, "I want my tonsils back. I don't know why having all this hurt now will make me better later." I can't tell you how many times my nieces and nephew have been used to teach me a lesson. His soft words hit hard in my heart. In his world, the suffering he faced didn't seem worth how much better he would feel all together in the near future. All he knew at that point in time was pain, he didn't care if would help in the long run.
This whole moving process has been draining on me. I keep making pros and cons lists, stressing out about finding an apt, a job and how am I gonna get all my stuff to Arizona. These past few months I have driven myself crazy; nothing was working out in the time I planned and I was annoyed that one 'bad' thing after another was happening. The problem with all that was simply me, I'm a control freak. I like to know how, when, where and mostly why things happen. The second things seem to go astray, I get cranky and yell at God. The good thing is that He is big enough to handle me and all my moods.
As the days get closer for me to finally move west; now I can see that all the waiting and pain I faced these last few months was needed. I honestly think if I moved to Arizona in May, I might have moved back home already. However, it has been in this waiting period that I have come to let go of control. Now I can move trusting that what ever happens, He is by my side. I still don't know where I'm gonna live, if I'll find a job or even if I'll like it out there, but those are small details now. I have peace about this I can't really explain. Since this is where He is leading me, I need to stop trying to figure out every detail and just trust.
My last few days here will be bitter sweet. It's going to be very difficult to move so far away from my family. Six years ago, I had to make a very difficult decision to move away from my mother. I cried everyday about it for two years but it turned out to be one of the best decisions in my life. Had I not taken the risk and left behind what matter to me the most, I wouldn't be anything close to who I am now. Life is about taking chances, seeing things through another point of view and showing love. I have one final task I need to complete, this Tuesday, before I set out. I can't get into much detail right now but I ask for thoughts and prayers to be with my mother, brothers and I for these next few days. I'll keep you all updated as things happen.
much love,
ash
This whole moving process has been draining on me. I keep making pros and cons lists, stressing out about finding an apt, a job and how am I gonna get all my stuff to Arizona. These past few months I have driven myself crazy; nothing was working out in the time I planned and I was annoyed that one 'bad' thing after another was happening. The problem with all that was simply me, I'm a control freak. I like to know how, when, where and mostly why things happen. The second things seem to go astray, I get cranky and yell at God. The good thing is that He is big enough to handle me and all my moods.
As the days get closer for me to finally move west; now I can see that all the waiting and pain I faced these last few months was needed. I honestly think if I moved to Arizona in May, I might have moved back home already. However, it has been in this waiting period that I have come to let go of control. Now I can move trusting that what ever happens, He is by my side. I still don't know where I'm gonna live, if I'll find a job or even if I'll like it out there, but those are small details now. I have peace about this I can't really explain. Since this is where He is leading me, I need to stop trying to figure out every detail and just trust.
My last few days here will be bitter sweet. It's going to be very difficult to move so far away from my family. Six years ago, I had to make a very difficult decision to move away from my mother. I cried everyday about it for two years but it turned out to be one of the best decisions in my life. Had I not taken the risk and left behind what matter to me the most, I wouldn't be anything close to who I am now. Life is about taking chances, seeing things through another point of view and showing love. I have one final task I need to complete, this Tuesday, before I set out. I can't get into much detail right now but I ask for thoughts and prayers to be with my mother, brothers and I for these next few days. I'll keep you all updated as things happen.
much love,
ash
8.27.2009
unexpected
Five months ago I imagined being in Arizona by now, getting settled in a new place , finding a part-time job and working on the last few classes I needed to graduate. Funny how things never work out as we plan. Never thought I’d be homeless, jobless, moneyless, phone-less and a list of car repairs that I can’t get fixed. Never thought I’d be babysitting and cutting grass just to pay for my storage unit, gas and cigs that I don’t need. I kick myself for not being more realistic about everything. I kick myself for being too nice and not saying NO when I needed to. But what is done is done, I can’t go back to March 26 . Somehow I must muster up the strength to push thru this unseen situation that I am in now.
Every day that passes I question my purpose in this life more. I wonder why I am in the situation I am now and why Arizona did not work out right now. I wonder why I question things like purpose, passion, goals, dreams, love, family and faith. Why can’t I just accept things as they are? Why do I always need to see or try to understand the bigger picture? Why can’t I just be content with people as they are and me how I am? I think about people I know and even strangers on the street; wondering what their story is, could they be happier, could they care more or do they just need love? I wonder if one family member will ever forgive the other for something that happened 17 years ago and how I could bring them back together. I dream of a world were everyone gets along; they cry, laugh, sing, dance, learn and play together. I hope for a mother who could really be a mother to me and not another victim of this fallen world. I envision my dad, step mom, brothers, mother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends all together playing baseball with no cares in the world. I wonder if one day the little girls on the red light streets of Calcutta can spend a night watching ‘the little mermaid’ while painting their toe nails instead of being forced to have sex so their family can eat. Then I realize this place on earth will never exist, that is what heaven is for.
Yet I wonder, maybe that’s why things are the way they are, maybe we are here to bring hope, show love and give mercy. Maybe Calcutta is too far for some, maybe Latrobe is closer, maybe my family are the little girls in Calcutta. Maybe someone needs to remind them of the simple basics of life and what really matters. Maybe that’s why I’m still here. Perhaps I am the one that will do something to get my mother the help she needs or I’ll be apart of the change that needs to happen to other family members. For so long I thought I that in order to ‘build the kingdom’ I had to go to some far off place, now I’m beginning to see that family comes first. I cant change anyone’s heart or thoughts but I can be used to help those things occur as God wills. Maybe instead of gripping about my situation and dreaming about how I wish things were different, I should open my eyes and see that the journey I so desperately wanted is right in front of me, here in Latrobe with my family. Instead of wallowing in my past and hoping for a better future, I should take the day and love on my hurting nephew, niece and sister. I need to appreciate making cool -aid and cleaning up pee by the toilet cause that’s my purpose right now. I might not be where I want to be, I might not be happy with all finical stresses I’m feeling but its not about me. Five months ago I prayed for change; I didn’t want to be caught in the mundane life of work, TV, ‘all about me‘, I wanted to be used for something different. This is my life, it is different, its up and down, its hard, its painful, its weary but it is also worth it. The new journey I craved has all ready begun; I have seen more now then I thought possible and I’m not even out of the state.
Every day that passes I question my purpose in this life more. I wonder why I am in the situation I am now and why Arizona did not work out right now. I wonder why I question things like purpose, passion, goals, dreams, love, family and faith. Why can’t I just accept things as they are? Why do I always need to see or try to understand the bigger picture? Why can’t I just be content with people as they are and me how I am? I think about people I know and even strangers on the street; wondering what their story is, could they be happier, could they care more or do they just need love? I wonder if one family member will ever forgive the other for something that happened 17 years ago and how I could bring them back together. I dream of a world were everyone gets along; they cry, laugh, sing, dance, learn and play together. I hope for a mother who could really be a mother to me and not another victim of this fallen world. I envision my dad, step mom, brothers, mother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends all together playing baseball with no cares in the world. I wonder if one day the little girls on the red light streets of Calcutta can spend a night watching ‘the little mermaid’ while painting their toe nails instead of being forced to have sex so their family can eat. Then I realize this place on earth will never exist, that is what heaven is for.
Yet I wonder, maybe that’s why things are the way they are, maybe we are here to bring hope, show love and give mercy. Maybe Calcutta is too far for some, maybe Latrobe is closer, maybe my family are the little girls in Calcutta. Maybe someone needs to remind them of the simple basics of life and what really matters. Maybe that’s why I’m still here. Perhaps I am the one that will do something to get my mother the help she needs or I’ll be apart of the change that needs to happen to other family members. For so long I thought I that in order to ‘build the kingdom’ I had to go to some far off place, now I’m beginning to see that family comes first. I cant change anyone’s heart or thoughts but I can be used to help those things occur as God wills. Maybe instead of gripping about my situation and dreaming about how I wish things were different, I should open my eyes and see that the journey I so desperately wanted is right in front of me, here in Latrobe with my family. Instead of wallowing in my past and hoping for a better future, I should take the day and love on my hurting nephew, niece and sister. I need to appreciate making cool -aid and cleaning up pee by the toilet cause that’s my purpose right now. I might not be where I want to be, I might not be happy with all finical stresses I’m feeling but its not about me. Five months ago I prayed for change; I didn’t want to be caught in the mundane life of work, TV, ‘all about me‘, I wanted to be used for something different. This is my life, it is different, its up and down, its hard, its painful, its weary but it is also worth it. The new journey I craved has all ready begun; I have seen more now then I thought possible and I’m not even out of the state.
8.02.2009
new beginnings
I think this songs just about sums up this move and is a good fit for a first posting..
Rascal flatts-I'm movin on
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
Rascal flatts-I'm movin on
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
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