life as i know it

As a kid I remember wanting this 'life like' toy dog for one of my birthdays. I ended up getting two of them. I was so excited cause all the commercials made them seem so real and since we couldn't have a real dog this toy seemed to be the next best thing. I probably played with each of them for about an hour then i realised how fake and dumb them were. I went up and down my street one afternoon trying to sale them so i could buy the newest Nerf soaker to get my brothers back, after all it look so amazing on TV. As an adult I watch all those toy commercials with my nieces and nephews, they can't help but get excited and I want to laugh at how foolish those products are to buy.
Yet when it comes looking at where to live, what car to buy and which college to attend we are like little children. We fantasize over how great this new place will be but we never take into account that the wiring is all bad. We love our new vehicles cause they are fast or big but we usually overlook how much its going to cost to fill up a tank. I could go on with many other examples but I'm sure you get the point.

The idea of moving to AZ came to me one evening many months ago. I thought it would be great to move closer to the school that i was taking on-line classes with, so that i could build relationships with my professors and use them as references once i graduate. That small thought blossomed into this wonderful idea that I could move out there, find an apartment, a part-time job, get involved with my school and a church. I would only be gone a year and i like to change things up when i get too comfortable, it seemed so perfect.
The week before I drove out here, I searched endlessly for apartments all around the Phoenix area that are close to my school. I made a list of different ones that were potential 'new homes'. So i felt at easy about finding a place to live. I briefly looked at jobs in the area and quickly realized that there are endless job openings in the city area. So i felt good about that. The only issues pressing on me was how i was getting out there and how i would get all my stuff that is in storage out there. I had planned on trading in my little Civic for something bigger or with more power to help me get thru the mountain areas. On my way to look at the vehicle i wanted, I got a flat tire on the turnpike. No big deal, I've had to change so many flats before i knew what to do but i was annoyed with the situation. By the time i put my small spare tire on and got to a shop to fix my flat it was too late to car shop. So I had to drive all the way back to Pittsburgh the next day for the dealer to tell me my car wasn't worth anything cause it has a Reconstructed title. By this point, I was extremely upset about the moving thing. Part of me felt like this whole thing was a dumb idea; I'm gonna miss my family, I don't like being in the City, I don't know if i can get a job or apartment and I don't have a lot of money to be moving like this right now. My heart was saying; this is just a speed bump, this is going to be hard but nothing good has come without a challenge or facing some pain.
So I listened to my heart, i took a chance cause that's what life is about.

The afternoon before i left i went to say my goodbyes to my one 'sisters' and her kids at my aunts house. I knew this would be the difficult part. I pulled the two older kids aside and explained to them that i was moving away for awhile but that i would be back for holidays. My youngest nephew, Dom, wanted to make me a potion before i left that would make any mean or bad people nice to me. So we walked around the yard looking for things to put in it. At one point Dom stopped looking and said, "Aunt Ashley, why are you leaving me? Cause you said you needed to finish school but there is a school right there you can finish at'(pointing to st. Vincent college). I couldn't answer him. Maybe because he was right.

Now that I'm here, I'm facing difficulties in getting an apartment for many reasons. Since i haven't been working in a year, i have no proof of income which is more money up front cause they think you can't afford it. i don't have my bank account anymore and that looks 'bad' to apartment ppl. Finally, my last apartment manager is saying i was a bad tenant that always paid my rent late, which i don't understand why she said that. Regardless, all those things make it impossible or much much more expensive to get an apartment. Everything I thought would be so great has popped like a bubble. I haven't seen one hiring sign, I'm having a hard time with apartments and mostly i cant stand how hot it is out here. I think i imagined something much greater then what it really is, kinda like when i was a kid. I had all these expectations but reality is reality.

Maybe AZ isn't for me right now but I might not have learned that had i not come out here. Maybe i was so worried about changing things up because i didn't end up like my mother. Maybe the change that needed to happen in my life wasn't about moving somewhere else, maybe it was about ME changing. Maybe i finally found a place i call home with a family that loves me. Maybe what I needed to learn in AZ didn't come from being here a year or at my college, perhaps i just needed to see what i have and how good it is.
I don't know what my next step is, other than I want to finish school and i need to finish! I can keep taking classes on-line till i finish, i can move back to PA to find a job or home. Yet i know my heart will get restless again so the question is how do i cure a restless heart? Should i stay in AZ and make it work even if i hate it right now? I think part of my array of emotions is from being stressed, then driving for 3 days and not sleeping or eating much. So my plan is to treat myself to a good bday dinner, then come back to my hotel room to get another good night of sleep and maybe watch something mindless on TV. I'm praying that I'll wake up with a clear sign as to what/where i need to do/be next.